The Place I Did Not Say

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LadyWindflower's avatar
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Today, I didn’t mention it.

It was the same question, the question that always threatened me.  The question I don’t know how to answer.  The question that always have to debate, discuss, and contemplate and plan out my answer, all within my own head.  And nobody knows that I am still not sure of the answer.

“Where are you from?”

“Tell your name, your major, and your hometown.”

When I was a child, there was only one answer.  But then my life changed.  I moved to a different world.  And I changed.  I grew there.

I didn’t put the slash in today.  I usually say “Buchanan, Michigan slash Bontoc, Mountain Province, Philippines.”  Because I am from both.  They both made me who I am.  But today, there was no “but” or “well, actually…”

Today, I stood up in class and said, “I’m from Buchanan, Michigan,” making the “mitten” map with my hand and pointing it out.  They laughed at that.  I smiled back.  It was such a Michigan thing to do.

Then, I sat down and the introductions continued and I wondered why I wanted to cry.  Only I knew the absence.  Only I felt the silence of the place that was not said.

And it ached.  It ached like the grey morning with the smell of smashed worms on the sidewalk.

I thought I had moved on.  I had returned to the old house at ******** Drive. I had a “permanent home address” now.  They didn’t need to know.

But maybe I did.  Maybe I needed to know that I hadn’t lost it.  Because maybe I don’t really want to move on because I don’t want to leave it behind.  Maybe I just need to know that even if I am in a new chapter, that it’s still in my book, that it’s still part of my story.  Because it’s getting blurry and I’m getting scared.  I am scared that I will forget.  I do not know that I will change my answer.  But, I think, at least next time, I will still feel the pain of the absence of the place I did not say.
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LonesomeBookworm's avatar
I've never left my home country, and I'm pretty sure I'm coming back after I study, so I can't say I really know how you feel. But I do know that wherever we come from, as long as we have good memories, stays part of our identity forever, no matter where we go :)